REALITY CHECK #11 - LOVE SEASONS

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Very few and significant things make me nostalgic. The end of the year is one of them. The chilly dry morning and evening breeze, the smoked atmosphere from burning dry bushes, the fog that fills the air with particles, participation in carols, festivities, promos, decorated trees and homecoming. The whole thing just tickles my heart with so much love, I catch myself smiling a lot not because of what someone said or did. I feel like I'm in love with someone most times this season is present.

After we spend most of the year worrying, being angry with how much is not yet right with our lives, with the things and the people we care about, I hope we can take chill pills and love the moment. Remember that life is short, not necessarily for us, but we can just love. Forget about the inadequacies and short comings and imperfections, just love. If that person didn't live to see the next year, would you regret not showing as much love? Let go and make room for new beginnings. This is a note to self.


I look forward to star gazing...it's been really long I did that and its best with someone you care about
if you want to try too. Oh, this season just warms my heart.

Live. Learn. Love
Thank you

REALITY CHECK #10 - LOVING UNLOVABLES

I concluded my last post with the law of love. Yes I said it was straight forward enough but I didn’t say it was piece of cake especially the loving others part. This is not about the ‘not doing evil to other people’ part of loving others but loving the unlovable parts of other people.

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People can be unlovable sometimes as in really unlovable. Most times people we might be stuck with for the rest of our lives that we can’t do away with are the ones unlovable. They just make it hard for you to love them. They have something they do out of habit that pains your heart every time they do. You’ve tried to talk them out of it and you don’t want to be a nag anymore, but they’ve not stopped and it is still annoying. You just don’t see any reason why they can’t reason to change; it just seems like the common sense that is not common to them. It annoys you and hurts you. May be giving them some distance would help and guarding your heart with some massive fort but the slightest hint of their hurtful habit hasn’t escaped the corner of your eye.

Well, let me be straight about this. Don’t EXPECT people to change, HOPE that they would. It seems easier said than done right? But think about it. When you expect someone to change, your mind seems to focus full attention on their wrongdoings and that’s a lot of emotional energy. It drains you of happiness with that person; you get disappointed anytime you see they have not. When you hope that a person would change you are accepting them with their shortcomings and just the way they are, your reception transcends to them and they appreciate by behaving themselves around you most of the time. They feel placed on a pedestal, but don’t EXPECT them to stay there. Just keep doing your part of hoping they would change in your thoughts, in your words and actions towards them. You may have to do it forever, but it would help you cope better and makes you a better person. 

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Rather than fighting them to change by all means and causing strains in relationships with them, stand with them. It may be embarrassing; against the values you want to exhibit, and against all moral standards. Just try not to pounce on their person in your approach of correcting the behaviour and in the time they want to feel accepted, not depriving them of it may help.

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This almost looks like gibberish to me and there are exceptions to all I’ve written. Don’t apply this if you are about to get into a romantic relationship. If you are going into a relationship especially marriage, please make sure you are ready to live with every bad and good you see, every difference, every habit make sure you are okay with them through seasons. Let’s save the world from broken homes and marriages ;)

REALITY CHECK #9 - LOVE FOR CHRISTMAS

It's December 1st and it feels odd to post this *covers face*

The only Nigerian Christmas ‘love song’ I’ve ever heard is one that taunts me. I don’t like songs that make me envious of the person singing or the person in the song. Well that particular song is ‘All I Want for Christmas’ and I was just looking for a Nigerian Christmas song o, not necessarily a love song, when I stumbled upon it.  I liked everything about it, but the message started taunting me a lot ‘A lover for Christmas’. Then I’d start hoping I’d get a lover for a Christmas gift and be anxious that yet another Christmas has come without a lover. Arrggh! Just the thought sef .

Yes! It’s so good loving somebody and that somebody loves you back. But when there’s no physical special somebody in the category that you can love, loving you and you loving back nko? You can’t kill yourself na. What do you do?

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A romantic relationship in whatever level is usually over hyped. I mean, I’m married; does that make me a certified responsible citizen? Check the news. Relationship or marital status doesn’t mean a person does not remain who they are good or bad. We tend to think people who have attained active relationship status as peaceful, beautiful, loving, innocent, responsible, rich, et cetera. We just attribute good traits to them and the opposite traits to those who are not. STOP PREJUDICE! And check the news again.

So what do you do when there’s no special person to love you or for you to love? Obey God’s law. Love the lord your God with all your heart, mind, strength, and love your neighbour as yourself. It's straight forward enough.

The next post I may do on romantic relationships may be reasons why I’m not in one.

Watch this space!

REALITY CHECK #8 - WAKE UP!

After we have dreams we wake up. So when you have that big dream to do this, to become that, do you wake up? Waking up does not necessarily mean putting an end to that dream but it means doing what you have to do. We wake in the morning, go about our day, and then return to dream at the days end. So you dream, live the dream or work it out, then go have another dream. That simple? Nooo.

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Dreams don’t get fulfilled just by saying you have a dream, you have to do something about it, the same goes for prophecies, it just the way you go about it that really matters. Who are you putting in the lead, and what assurance do you have, who or what do you trust in to make this dream a reality? Most times reality can be interpreted as the opposite of a dream. Dreams have to be processed to become reality. Dreams come true (Another cliché right?), but you have to wake up to see them come true.

Waking up may mean going out of your comfort zone or discomfort zone. It may mean building the character you need for that dream to come true. Knowing if it is real il est if it is from God and trusting God almighty to lead you by keeping him in the lead. This involves not worry and trying to put everything under your control. 

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Sometimes waking up means some careless abandon, but you’d rather throw yourself into God’s arm in careless abandon. He’s the only one who is able to be, do everything and more. It means sold out, setting sail. Oh that reminds me, if you’ve not read my post on setting sail here it is. That post helps this post. 

Would be back.

REALITY CHECK #7 - APPRECIATION

By PHILLIPS OLAYANJU

“The economy is damn too bad. Everything is cost. Na wa Oooooooooo”

This is the line I hear everywhere every day. The line I once whined. Everything was topsy- turvy...life was an ebb and flow...nothing seemed constant...my life was oscillating and vacillating and guess who I blamed it on? The economy! I mean I was trying everything to make ends meet and nothing just seemed to work right. I soon discovered the benefit of appreciation and my life never remained the same. I got something worth a million dollar and I’m going to give you just a little out of my money. (Can’t spare much, the economy is bad).

It has been rightly said and proven that a negative personality and attitude attracts negative people and in turn, negative things. Ever woken up one morning and you feel the world’s burden on you? You keep grumbling and complaining, muttering, enraged by your debtors, rushing out of the house with a stone-hard face hoping to make some money and eventually, you make nothing! How frustrating?! You see, you aren’t just losing money; you are losing the joy given to you by the force behind the universe. 

We all know that towards the end of the year, everything including some people’s life and finance comes to a halt. You ask me, where is the joy in it and I’ll tell you: “The joy is the pride of seeing another economic meltdown”. Weird huh? 

Between the beginning of the year and today, you really don’t want to know the fate of those who looked better off than you but are nowhere to be found today. For every situation we complain about, there’s a person complaining of something worse and for every situation that person is complaining of there’s a worse one and so on.

It’s left to us to either keep complaining about our unproductive situation or to see the silver lining in every cloud and become productive. 

Note: “No matter how much you complain, it wouldn’t change your circumstance. Rather, be grateful that you are hale enough to turn things around.”

As we said in our last series, your approach to problems determines the product of your effort. Someone once said that if you can’t appreciate nature, you can’t appreciate others and if you can’t appreciate others, you can’t appreciate yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving.                                                                                             

Phillips Olayanju

REALITY CHECK #6 - HOW MUCH DO I COST?

I like to start with an apology and then appreciation. Sorry, I really don’t like writing and it might tell on the way you read this. Ok? I only think, act and share. ...bear with me. Secondly, I like to appreciate the CEO of the blog for giving me a chance to be a better writer... and also to the readers because I know you won't really mind my style of writing but the message being passed across.  

Ok. To the business of the day, how much do I cost? Sounds strange right? Like some kind of commodity or something. Well... Either I like it or not, I have found out that just like commodities one continues to trade one value for the other.  

Hmm... that doesn't go down well I guess. 

All my life I have been paying so much attention on personal value creation, especially making "me" valuable enough to people (family, friends and society). I have been so much into it for a while now, only for me to realize that it comes with paying a premium price. Hmm... 

Being a relevant person in the society as always been my profess-ion, especially each time I'm asked the famous question, - what do you want to be in future? - even back then in high school. Yes! that reminds me, I actually started out with the dream of being a pilot since I didn't want to join the BRT wagon, oh, I mean band wagon of  "I want to be a doctor". Anyway, I gave up because I was running away from calculations. Poor me! 

In short, I have found that just like there are steps to being a medical doctor, there are steps to being relevant to my society. I have identified that to be relevant, I have to be of great value to my society, to be of great value, I have to really stand out, and to stand out I must pay the premium price because standing out really isn't free.  

To conclude, why do you think big companies wouldn't mind paying heavily to get Fela Durotoye or Leke Alder  to speak at their training? I know they are not trying to show off, its simply because they've got stuff. 

So , how much stuff have you got? and how much do you worth? 

REALITY CHECK #5 - ATTITUDE

I knew I was going to be writing on attitude soon but somehow I wanted to resist the temptation to make it sooner. I knew one thing, I didn't want to sound like...forget it.

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I wasn't sure how I was going to put it, until my day happened and I was heading home. I boarded a taxi to Mokola from Bodija, I sat in the passenger seat and soon the last passenger joined us. The driver said he liked my shoes, I said thank you. Then the last passenger asks for the fare then he replies '40 bucks'. My lips curled into a smile Ibadan taxi drivers don't say 'bucks'. I noticed his mild road rage as he chided a sashaying pedestrian crossing the road. Then I noticed his hand, his right palm was deformed, leprosy I guessed. Soon he began singing...

'It's gonna be good,
It's gonna be good in the morning
God has given us an assurance
That everything's gonna be good'

A song that gave me a nostalgic feeling. My siblings sang it a lot when we were way younger, a song of hope.

There he was, so contagious. The last passenger joined him in singing and made a remark when the taxi driver chuckled about it, he said "Did you think you were going to be the only one enjoying the song?" I caught myself smiling again.

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He attended to alighting passengers with courtesy. As we approached the last bus stop he honked his horn at another pedestrian, greeted the man loudly and politely. The last passenger asked that the man must be someone the taxi driver knew, the taxi driver affirmed saying the man was of great help to him when he the taxi driver was a goal keeper, almost getting him to travel abroad to continue his football career before the accident he had during a football match, leaving his hand deformed, that's why he's driving a taxi now.

As I alighted it felt like the polite thing to say was 'sorry' or 'what a pity' but deep down that was not what I felt. This man was no taxi driver on the inside. I wanted to ask his name and number, I felt like telling the world about him, he had practically preached a gospel to me right there in his car for less than ten minutes drive. Hope, joy. I paused as I watched him make a turn, I was almost crossing my arms, amazed by this unusual taxi driver who had the attitude. Choosing the way to respond to life.

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REALITY CHECK #4 - COMMITMENTS

I don't know how come, but yes I'm as busy as a bee. My life is overfull with activities, obligations, and responsibilities that I chose and didn't choose. Let me give you a quick run down of the major ones:

1. NYSC PPA that takes time as traveling to Lagos from Ibadan to get there
2. NYSC special CDS
3. Two service units in Church
4. Blogging
5. MAD network
6. Tutoring
7. ODC
8. Handmade fashion products
9. Running errands and house chores
10. Caring for four little children who happened upon us suddenly. (Don't ask how)

They are TEN in number. Okay! Those last two points I tell you, are the most gruesome. This is the part I'm glad I don't have a BF who gets angry that I've not called since I woke this morning or one that wants me to talk with him first thing in the morning, Yaay! Oops! Did I just make romantic relationships sound like a burden? My bad

How can one person have these activities happen every week? Hey! There are a lot more people who have much more on their plate anyways. Did I say I chose some and I didn't choose some? Yes I did, but no that's not true. I chose it all, I chose to respond to all and make myself available. Spreading myself thin and less effective. If I concentrated my attention and efforts to a fewer things, wouldn't my impact be felt better? How far do we go multitasking on a broad spectrum of mental and physical commitment? I end up stressed every night and wake up to the reminders of the stress the new day would bring. Everyone in the different areas of my commitment want my 100%. They'd always do, through their unilateral view of my life, I probably have nothing else doing.

Today I finally put number 6 commitment to an end. No, not abruptly, I gave them an advance notice, that I wouldn't be doing this anymore that I had to choose, that I have the choice, but I'd make my choice easy for them to bear with and maintain good relations with them. This was one activity I persevered at despite setbacks, inconveniences and overwhelming everyday stress.

No matter the sense of self development we may think we would get from the bodily sacrifices of being workaholics,
I stand to say the world has practically moved from just hard work to a lot of smart work. You choose what you commit to. Please be clear of sentimental judgement when deciding to commit to anything at all.

On a lighter note, when it comes to romantic relationships I think guys are commitmentophobic.

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REALITY CHECK #3: PESEVERANCE

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Almost did not know what topic to have a reality check on today, and was at the brink of saying I was too tired to write, then it hit me PERSEVERANCE! Hmm…how long does it take before you give up, throw in the towel, or lose interest? When you change something you have been doing for a while does it actually mean you have given up on that?

I remember my first job, I felt exhausted the first day I resumed. Settling in was kind of boring, and waiting for someone to put me through was not interesting at all. I got my head into the job by end of the first week and by the end of the first month I was overwhelmed by the sameness of everyday and breaking down by its stress. I did not spend more than six months on the job, though not for sentimental reasons but for the mandatory one year service to the Nation.

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Now I don’t want to recount the causes, the volunteering programs, the business ideas and businesses, the relationships, and cultivating of good habits that I may have balled out on.

They say Perseverance is steady and continuous action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties.

Wait! How long does it actually take before you can say you have persevered at something? Does perseverance mean staying in a situation that totally an impediment to your breakthrough and you know it? Does perseverance mean being the receptor in an abusive relationship? Or does it mean inflicting physical and emotional pain to the less threatening subject continuously just to teach them a lesson or two? Does perseverance mean putting up with the same things that cause offence just to prove that you have forgiven? Does it mean the deception and manipulations just to get that significant other shut the door against the world and stick to you like glue? Does it mean refusing to change that character that has hurt everyone close to you and anyone who tries to get close? Does refusing to make change happen perseverance too?

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When do you know the time has come to stop persevering at something? When do you know it’s time to move on? Should you even move on? Some people spend their whole lives on the same spot, in a vicious cycle, repeating the same things and returning to square one. Wise men have interpreted this as insanity or living dead. Sometimes to me this perseverance thing means staying in some comfort zone and refusing to sail out, take risks and live. Sometimes it means staying in a place to rot.

If I change my decision to keep doing something they’d say I’m lazy, I’m shirking responsibilities, I don’t have a long suffering nature.

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Hmm! I have a lot of questions as you may have noticed.

Is perseverance a virtue?

Is perseverance the law or the exception?

REALITY CHECK #2 : TALKING ABOUT OTHERS

You can call this series random, the year is closing and if opening the next is intended for a change, then thoroughness is needed to make change a reality. This series feature the ugly truth, you can be truthful and start becoming a better person just like I desire, this is not some morality movement. It is real people, real issues and real living. The pictures are to stimulate the topic from other angles.

Straight to the point. Do we all talk about people behind their backs? I need real people here please. Sometimes it's not a juicy gossip that is not your business in any way, it could be about the incessant bad behavior exhibited by that family member of concern, or about the attitude of that acquaintance that we say that we don't care about but the fact that we are talking about it for that long and the way we are is just betraying us.

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Is there any form of talking about others that is healthy? Someone may have done something that I didn't like and I felt that I should share the experience with someone else. Is there some DIY for talking about others that would not cause a strain in relationship, peradventure they hear your discussion? Nobody feels good about being discussed about except they are being empathized with or praised in a significant way.

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I try to think about myself as someone who doesn't gossip about others, but I may be talking about the person with someone really close to me, and the person discussed about may be another close person. What if it's a serious matter that the person needs to change. Or she's just sharing too and I totally agree and share my similar experiences with the same person in focus, or I pass some cutting remarks which are the truth anyway.

But once again I think, if this person heard everything we said, the way we said it, would they continue to be in good terms with us?